As Easy As

Sometimes we complicate things.

The truth is, life is as difficult as we allow ourselves to admit it is. This is not to say that challenges and hardships don't exist. For me to say that there is not injustice in the world would be ignoring truths that present themselves regularly, globally. This is not to say that some things really are terrible to have to deal with. I get it. Truly.

Today, however, I was reminded how easy life really is. A friend handed me 20 baht, enough to buy papaya salad at the stand outside because I was making it hard on myself. I decided that instead of trying to break a 500 which is virtually impossible in the small market we meet, I would nibble on a snack and wait until I got home four hours later to get any real food. This on a 100 degree day with a bike ride back to my house that lasts around 20 minutes. Okay, not my best idea.

Tonight, it hit me again. I was packing and decided to try to fit 5 days worth of clothes for a place I'd never been into my book bag which simply wasn't meant for this. I folded this way and that. Packed again and again to no avail. How easy was it, then, to take out my larger backpacking bag and put what I needed inside with room to spare? Sometimes, it's just too easy. We have to make it hard on ourselves, right?

The time is coming for visiting our new sites. I will be traveling to Isan, an area in the Northeastern part of Thailand, along with about half of my fellow volunteers from this year. We're spread out, for sure, but to know that so many of us will be living in a place known for beautiful sights, fun people, insect eating, and different languages, there is a certain amount of relief that the newness of it all will be shared by so many of us. There are the jitters that I can only assume come when a person meets a community who has applied for them and gone through countless interviews and screenings before I arrive, hoping they'll embrace me as one of their own. As my bag sits next to my door, my script for countless situations lays on my desk, wrinkled from over-reading, and my mind begins to slow down from another long day, I take it all in.

Life in Thailand doesn't have to be as easy as pie. Indeed, I haven't seen a pie of any sort since my arrival in this incredible land. But I do realize that things do not have to be as difficult as we might make ourselves believe they must be. Certainly, with a shift of perspective, a calm breath, an mind open to accepting a solution, one will materialize far more easily. Dare I say, "As easy as...Thai?"

Yep, there it is.

A Poem for the Sleepless

The days fly by as quickly as the nights seem to crawl. 

Tonight, I write.

HERE I SIT

Fan blowing my once well managed hair
Into a frizzy whirling mess
Eyes droop, arms itch, feet twitch
With the balancing act that is
My body adjusting to a new world

Laughter turns to tears of joy
As words that once came so easily
Now start and stop as labored as my bike ride
Across sun soaked asphalt
On days as damp as a locker room in the on-season

Tables turned
Teacher becomes student
Lessons learned
Through careful study
And hard-knocks

Still, the sight of the golden sun rising
The rice field exhaling its warm breath
Children playing and laughing hard
New friends building lasting memories
That same sun burning red as it finds its resting place

These are the moments that fill my heart
Steady my nerves
Guide my path
Ever closer to knowing
Nearer to understanding

Embracing the unknown, I journey on
Heart on my sleeve
Sweat on my brow
Arms browned
Brain loaded

I live to learn
Learn to grow
Grow to love
And in that loving find myself
Perfectly placed

Balanced, however unsteadily
With one foot always heading forward
One foot firmly planted
Eyes on the bend in the road before me
Seemingly knowing nothing

What pure humility this journey has taught me
Being born into the world as a babe again
No language but the language of loving kindness
A home, a meal, a smile, a gesture, a word
Deeper grow my roots

And now, for bed.

Sweet Dreams - ฝันดี

Moments in Thai-m

I was going to wait to write this, but I couldn't. 

I was just too afraid I'd forget one of the many poignant, interesting, or bizarre moments that I've been afforded since my last post. As it stands, I probably will still leave something out...

I'll begin with the bizarre. Yesterday, during lesson planning at the temple/school, I witnessed my first cat-catching-bird moment. It was all stealth, swiftness, and shocking, to say the least. I say "first" because this evening after completing my homework, I witnessed my second cat-catching-bird moment. A dove flew into our kitchen/family room area and was very disoriented. After flying into a few walls, it landed on the truck and we tried to shoo it away, but the male orange tabby (Ding Dong) decided he'd rather keep it...for dinner. There must be some sort of meaning in this happening twice in two days in my presence, but the meaning escapes me at present. Bizarre.

I'll follow up bizarre with interesting. I noticed when we were learning the different times of day that my language teacher was drawing the sun red. As we know, a more common color for the sun in the states is yellow, and I figured it would be the same worldwide, but here, in Thailand, the sun is red. I thought about it for awhile on my ride into class the other morning as I gazed over a rice field shimmering in it's green splendor under the yellow rising sun. To be fair, it was a golden color, but nowhere near the red in the drawing I had seen earlier on. Today, on the ride home, it hit me. As I looked to the west, a bright red sun burned through the graying sky. I've noticed this sun before, but today I stopped for a moment to appreciate it more fully. The contrast to the dull clearness behind it, the depth of the red, the mildness of the brightness. I saw it standing proudly in the sky, far more pronounced than the morning's golden orb, and I finally understood why the sun in Thailand is truly red. Interesting.

Finally, at school, my lesson, which was projected to be focused on sports, was artfully tweaked to give some time for cultural exchange with students about Valentine's Day. By the end of the day, I had 14 small fabric roses, one live (though severely parched) red rose, chocolate hearts, hard candies in the shape of hearts, a key chain with a huge bear hanging from it, and a huge collection of heart stickers on my shirt, placed with great joy and care by my sweet students. Today I learned that wishing and hoping for understanding will only get you so far, to truly learn you must dive in, dig deep, teach, and be humble enough to be taught all along the way. I love lessons such as these. Poignant.

Happy Valentine's Day!

From Thailand with Love,

Jessie

Thai-m to Rest!

I so needed today to be today.

I'm glad it was. This morning, I woke up at 7, but hung out in bed until close to 8, just because I could. After a full week of working and biking and studying and repeating and playing hard and laughing hard, what I truly needed was some good old fashioned me-time.

This me-time concept is relatively foreign to my Thai family. If you're up, you're with the family. Even my Thai mom who lounges most weekends, sleeps in the same area as her grandkids who are busy playing video games all day, and my sisters who are cleaning and tending to the house all day.

I nearly felt guilty staying in my room for an hour longer than I would normally have, but today, I soaked it in. After a decidedly cool apnam (bucket shower) and gin caao chaao (eating breakfast), I washed another load of laundry and decided to study. I re-read every page in my language book in order to refresh my memory, which was feeling pretty overloaded after this week.

Lunch rolled around sooner than expected, my sisters got some amazing pad thai jay (vegetarian pad thai) to have me try, and I excused myself for a niip (nap). After an hour, I was awakened, drenched by my own sweat (awesome how these Thai days keep you on schedule), and headed out to the river for more practicing and some very slow photo uploading. My computer is still attempting to load the photos from yesterday's fun at Sports Day and Thai Theatre as I type, but I digress.

Sitting on the dock, watching the lom (breeze) blow in opposition to the current my mind warped the water into a sort of gravel pathway and I imagined myself following this path with balance and poise. I realized that this was, in fact, what my journey to date has been like. I hover above a surface I can hardly decipher and, with complete faith and perfect guidance, I step one foot in front of the other, without a worry for what is behind or before me. I cannot lose sight of the now for those details, for they would sink me for sure.

As the battery on my computer threatened to die, I plugged in and got out my trusty books and Thai CDs to study more. My host insisted that I lay back on the hammock while I studied and placed a fan on me as soon as I gathered my books and settled in. I worked, read, listened, and relaxed most of the day away.

As dusk settled in, food appeared and disappeared, a delicious young coconut was opened for me to drink from (easily one of my favorite treats), and family from Bangkok said their goodbyes from this busy Chinese New Year weekend. I then hunkered down for my daily language lesson with Pii Lee (or as I like to call her at this time of night, Ajaan [teacher]). I learned 6 more Thai vowels and read two more pages in my Thai book. We talked about family, Peace Corps, mosquitoes, dogs, pregnant cats, and cutting my hair. My family snuck a peek of some photos of me from earlier last year when I had long hair and decided I must miss it, which of course I do, but I didn't have enough vocabulary to properly explain why I donate my hair...next time, I suppose.

Now, I sit, in the corner of my room in order to get WiFi long enough to share this important day of self-care and sanity keeping. Sometimes it's the little things we need to do for ourselves. I'm not priding myself in needing a day for study. I'm not saying going out with friends would have been a problem. I'm not saying that I know what's best for everyone, but for me, today, this was absolutely perfect.

I'm so glad today happened today.

These Hands

I had to take a second glance to be sure...

As I took my second bite of breakfast a few days back, I noticed that, without a second thought, I had put my spoon in my right hand, fork in my left and was loading up my spoon with my fork as comfortably as I'd pick up a phone call back home. No thought required. No switching implements from hand to hand until I remembered the Thai way. No wishing I could just get some chopsticks and eat like I would back home as any "insert name here" pan-Asian restaurant would have me.

This week was a full one. From language to classroom, culture to health, safety to lesson planning, and beyond. My Thai is coming along. I can write all of the 44 consonants, most of the vowels, decoding the words is getting easier with practice and time. I smile more. Sweat just as much. Overall, I am filled with appreciation at every turn.

Two days ago, my host brought two huge bags full of clothes for me to have that are mainly Thai-style and all appropriate for the classroom. Thais seem to love dressing me up, I inexplicably fit in most of their clothing far too easily considering the difference in build, and everything I put on is exclaimed to be beautiful at first glance by my excited host, aunts, grandfather, etc.

My host's mom was preparing as spicy paste the other day and as I crouched to watch, she spoke through it all very slowly in Thai. She's a shy one, doesn't like to make eye contact much, and I'm not always sure she wants me around, but in that moment, as she crushed the chilies and spoke words I could hardly decipher with the purpose of teaching me her secrets, I was incredibly humbled.

A week of practicum in a Thai classroom is down and I have another to go. This week, my kids (10 year-olds for the most part) learned the kinds of animals that lived on the farm and as pets in the house. We worked on basic English sight words, sang songs, played games, and smiled at each step along the way. My co-teacher worked hard alongside me most days, and is taking the challenge of talking with the native English speaker like a champ. I sometimes forget what courage these people have, inviting us into their classrooms in order to grow as teachers, and see their children access education in such a different way than the traditional Thai teaching style. I see the shifts. I see the willingness to introduce a new game. I am overjoyed that in one short week, so much has come to pass.

Life isn't always easy. There's always a lesson to be learned. A reminder that my foundation is not quite set yet. I feel the cracks of a day that lasted too long. My brain attempts to keep it all in, only to feel as if it might cave in. My legs stop resembling anything human thanks to allergies I never knew I had to bites, creams, ointments, etc. It's in moments like those, I step back.  I remember what it took to get me here.

Not only my steps, but the steps of my country. The willingness of Thailand's officials from the very first. The hard work of those who have come before me. The inspiration that my parents gave me to follow my heart. The lessons of great teachers that have entered into and shifted my life. I remember my friends and loved ones, who love me so much they send me messages across the miles. I remind myself that this was a dream that began in 1960 and was reborn in me in 1996. So no matter what the worry, what the stress, what the small bump in the road might bring, I am here for my good. I am here for the good of my fellow volunteers. I am here for the good of my students, co-teachers, and this beautiful country that has welcomed me with open arms.

I suppose life is pretty easy when I remind myself of these things, after all...

Thai-ed Up In Knots

Thailand is about the journey, not the destination.

Life before Peace Corps seemed to be all about destinations. Goals. Objectives. Motivation. Successes. Failures. Risks. How things seem to have shifted.

Getting accepted was a journey. Arriving here was a journey. Being here is a journey.

I sat down to write this post about seven times this week, and due to one limitation or another, I couldn't finish. Some nights, it was lack of an internet signal. Some nights, lack of energy. Some nights, I was too down to share the great moments. Some nights, I was too up to share the reality of it all.

So, here I sit, fan at my side, Dook Dik at my feet panting and swatting away mosquitoes with his big paws. Pii Tui (one of my Thai sisters) just gave me three boxes of Pocky and insisted that I shouldn't share them with anyone else, even her. She, like the rest of my family, is far too nice. They all give me so much love, so much attention (sometimes to my chagrin), and so much FOOD!

No joke, this was my personal breakfast one morning.
I didn't eat all of it, but they sure expected me to try!

I really do need to update more, though. There is so much I'll forget. So many small moments that mean the world to me that I can't possibly fit into one post-sized morsel for you all to digest. I'll do my best.

Last weekend, I ventured out with my language group to map out our community and get better situated. We rode with our adorable teacher whose bike, although smaller than the rest of ours, still looked too large for her by at least three sizes. We rode, stopping often for meetings with families, information about everything from water towers to fertilizer distributors, and ate our fill of fresh fruit. We danced, we sang, we biked, we sweat. Pretty much a typical day in Thailand. All was right with the world.

I love these guys!

I saw my first firefly this week. It glowed a few times and was gone. I was very glad to have my friend Michael over at the time to point it out, or I would most certainly have missed it. It might seem like small potatoes to some, but to me, it's another moment that is defining my Thai experience, much like the chirping of the geckos which took some getting used to, but I'm now able to truly appreciate, knowing they are helping (in their small way) in eating up at least some of the millions of mosquitoes that threaten to drain me dry. I have one that seems to be keeping to my room. I wish he'd invite his friends over, but I'll introduce him to you, now.

 I shall call him Gumby 

He shall be my friend.

This week, we had rain. One night, for about 30 minutes, but it was so loud I could barely hear my host calling me to take my shower. It's strange to be taking a bucket shower in a room with holes for windows while the rain is pouring down a few meters away. I'll never forget that rain. Had it been light out, still, I'd have taken a picture to share. Alas, a black rectangle on this page can hardly capture the magic.

Some moments this week felt like running head first into a brick wall. I'll take great strides in my confidence speaking Thai, and have moments, similar to one earlier today where I feel I should already know how to answer the question, I can totally understand it, but the words don't come, my family insists on me trying, and after my fifth try in Thai, with their sweet smiling faces still eager to understand, I lock the door to my room and have to check out for fear of breaking face. These things I'm ashamed to admit. I want to already be there. I see the goal. I want the result. I work hard every day, and still I struggle. Many would be happy with where I'm at right now, I just know I have such a short amount of time with these amazing people who are investing so much into me, and I want to grow in strides, not baby steps and trips. "Jai Yen Yen" means keep a cool heart in Thai. I hear it nearly every day. You'd think it would have sunk in by now. 

At the end of last week I practiced lesson planning the Peace Corps way with one of my fellow volunteers. This Friday, he and I were observing the teacher we will be co-teaching with for the next two weeks when she pulled out her lesson and lo-and-behold, she was teaching from the exact same book, unit, and page numbers that we had chosen for our hypothetical lesson. As if it couldn't get any stranger, she then invited me up to teach and I proceeded to lead the lesson as if I had planned it, minus the materials I couldn't possibly have come up with without preparation. My fellow volunteer hopped up and did the second half of the lesson very well. At the end of class, the teacher asked me if I would sing a song in English. I'm not much for just going up and entertaining a class without some learning going on, so we made it topical and taught the kiddos "Old MacDonald" in the last few minutes of class. The last animal the students chose to have on the farm was an elephant, and Keith gave an incredible impression that knocked every one's socks off. It was a great topper to the work week.

Saturday was Thai Day. On Friday night, I showed my family what I thought I was going to wear, my pasin with a shirt I brought from America, but they wouldn't have it. For the next two hours I was dressed up like a doll in as many traditional Thai outfits as they could find on the compound. I probably tried on close to 50 things, had my chest examined and played with by all of the women in my family here (They thought it was a fun game. I begged to differ). And ended up in a sparkly pink skirt that was about 5 inches too wide at the waist, five inches to short in length, pinned in place with safety pins, matched with a lacy pink blouse, and a pearl bracelet. I wore it with pride, knowing the joy in their faces as they exclaimed "Suay" (beautiful) when they finally agreed on the one they liked.

Here are some highlights of my week:

Successfully ordered my food in complete sentences in Thai.

Successfully ordered Thai iced tea in complete sentences from the same lady I've been buying from since we began meeting at the marketplace and received an ovation and high praise from her and her friends for my great Thai. We then had a conversation about where I'm from and what I'm doing here that they were able to understand, and respond to.

Successfully bartered with and bought another pasin to wear while the one I was gifted is drying on laundry days.

Successfully stepped in and taught a 4th grade English lesson when the teacher I was supposed to be observing insisted I take over. The kids had fun. My fellow teachers had fun. I even had fun!

Successfully sang a traditional Thai song in front of my entire training group, teachers, and Peace Corps staff (and my little bro/cousin and host who were peeking in) during Thai day. It was slightly mortifying to say the least, but those who were there insist I did well, so I'll take it as a win.

Successfully cooked a dish for dinner that everyone in my family insisted was "Aroi Maak" (delicious).

Here are a smattering of the low points in my week:

I fell over when getting on my bike due to a motorcycle that came up from behind and scared the poop out of me (not literally). It was an embarrassment, but I wasn't hurt and was able to communicate that in Thai.

I accumulated even more bites than last week, even though I've been using even more bug spray. :-(

I rode home later than usual one night and ended up breathing in more bugs than I ever could have wished on my worst enemy. (I did laugh at myself the entire time, though.)

I got impatient with my progress...more than once...dumb and useless, I know.

I didn't update this as much as I'd hoped to.

Overall, this week was full of growth opportunities. I tried, I failed, I succeeded, I tried again, I worked, I studied, I laughed, I cried, I sweat, and I was greeted with smiles wherever I went.

Thailand truly is full of amazingly warm people. I don't think it's the heat that makes them this way. It's a culture rich with respect for family, appreciation of food, and uncanny ability to sigh their cares away. 

My host (Pii Lee) and I, enjoying one another's company.

I still have so much to learn, and I'm still so grateful to be here.