I got on a plane....
the rushing of my pulse as the plane took off, knowing i would return a different woman
the excitement of meeting people who were biting off the same chunk of life
the fear of meeting family that would take me in while language was still in its infancy
the annoyance of bites, rashes, burns, allergies, parasites, and the like
the ballooning of my body due to the drugs used to treat the above
the celebrations of small successes such as ordering the correct thing at a coffee stand
the first encounter with a mangy dog in the middle of the night while going to the bathroom
the tears shed when independence felt stolen and safety felt at risk
the frustration with a trust that turned to abuse
the joy of moving on and taking the next big step
the depression of thinking i'm not far enough along to do all i want to do
the realization that i'm not here for what i thought i came for
the embracing of the unchangeable as the new norm
the self-hatred that followed embracing the norms that would be sub par elsewhere
the opening of a guarded heart to a world of possibilities
the countless millipedes and vinegaroons and that one night with the centipede
the mice that seem to like my workout and bedtime
the proposal over the interwebs...wow, that really did happen, right?
the facing of facts that lead to a newfound commitment to myself in this journey
the Thai-nappings that lead to beautiful sights and ridiculous experiences
the deepening of my resolve to understand
the looking back on all that i've accomplished
the gazing forward to all that i still might do
the hope that i will be what is needed to help my beautiful new friends and children to grow
the smiles as i press a sticker to a shirt
the laughter as i encourage acting out vocab to make it stick by making a fool of myself
the blank stares and "อะไรวะ"s that make me strive to be a better teacher
the commitment that presses me forward when i want to fall back
the love that reminds me that there is more to life than being right
the smells and sounds of waking up on a farm in remote Thailand every morning
the knowledge that growth can be awesome and painful all at the same time
the appreciation for everyone who has gotten me through it (even myself)
...a pregnancy might have been easier.
Your blog takes me back to some similar feelings I had 47 years ago.
ReplyDeleteAfter the euphoria of the newness in-country and idealism wears thin, the overwhelming doubts that one person can make a difference start eating at you. But, once you push through those despairing feelings, amazing serendipitous things can and will happen in the time you have left there... and for the rest of your life you will see the world's options through changed eyes and heart. So, hang in there, dear Jessie. I am so proud to know you and appreciate your sharing so honestly.
It's no joy ride, and I happen to have a fever, so maybe I was a bit harder on the journey than I would have been otherwise, but I know that there is much more to see and experience here, and I value the growth from the good, the bad, and the terribly disgusting, all. Thanks for being a cheerleader and reminding me that I'm not alone in these feelings.
DeleteI think the end of your blog sums up the success you will continue to have. With appreciation for others AND yourself, growth is certifiable. Your grateful heart will be led to new heights, new joys, new breakthroughs. From here, I can see your evolvement, and it makes me smile and feel tremendous pride in all that you have and will continue to accomplish.
ReplyDeleteThank you, mother dear. And so it is...
DeleteI'm so proud and humbled to read your blog. You are an inspiration to me. Thank you for sharing your successes as well as your struggles. Thinking of you, Missing you, Loving you, praying for you every day. All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well.
ReplyDeleteLOVE!
I appreciate your support and encouragement so much, as always. Love!
DeleteWhat a journey, my dear! Knowledge and Growth - two sides of the coin that is flipping though your air. As you know, journeys include everything - beautiful sunrises and dark, rainy nights - but the experiences help to make us who we are. Love you!
ReplyDeleteAnd flip, flip, flip. The coin continues to turn. Reminding me of the joys, sorrows, successes, failures, and all roads in between in this tremendous experience called life. Love you, too, Papa Bear...
Deletewhat a roller coaster! so much growth in your words! you are where you are suppose to be...reading this makes me sure of it! despite the ups and downs, so many things to learn from! love you xoxo!
ReplyDeleteLove you, too. It's good to hear the encouragement from afar. Somedays you can't see the forest for the trees, and others, the universe reveals itself to you and it all seems to make sense. Thank you for being there for me through all of it. xo
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